I signed up for the GRE today. In the hour it took to do so, I made numerous lifeline calls of encouragement to the ones I love, and around 100 million excuses not to sign up. Hence the reason it took an hour. Taking that step was very difficult for me. 24 days till a heavily weighted, outrageously expensive exam absorbs 4.5 hours of my life and plays sharks and minnows with my future. Like the first day of school, the butterflies of anxiety flew around me as if I were Tippy Hedrin in The Birds. It felt like a shift in seasons. I guess it should feel like the beginning of fall though! It’s October for goodness sakes!
But today did not feel like October. Sitting outside with 80 something degree temps only prolongs the emotions, the desires, and warmth of summer. I love summer, but, even though I feel I missed most of it this year, I’m ready for Fall. There’s something special about fall. It feels new and crisp with potential, like a bouquet of sharpened. Fall feels like promise, like passion, like hope.
Yet, outside, and in, it still feels like summer.
I realized today that I’m still holding onto “summer.” My summer, however isn’t defined by hotlanta days and afternoons by the pool. It’s a steady job, not quite in the realm I was wanting to work, a paycheck that finally let me say “I’m on my own,” and an independence I had never quite had before. “Summer” was comfortable, easy going, and calm. There is most certainly a time for summers! And just as there’s a time for summer, there is also a time for fall.
If I were a season, I’m not so sure I would always want to change. Yet the earth spins, accidents happen, and life changes. Summer is over.
Like the warm weather, I am having a hard time turning myself over to the cool, passionate breezes and crisp tastes of fall. The changing colors are making me remember what I loved before summer, before the comfort, and those loves are not always easy to love. They take work and heartache, uncomfortable encounters and fiery hot emotions. These loves take focus and criticism, with a dash of disappointment at times, but
the joy of loving them!
And here I sit, remembering my loves, while being in love with a man I found in Fall. It’s time to let go of the comfortable, warm summer of my life. It really ended months ago. I’m ready to find passion again, with all its expenses and leaps of faith. I’m ready to fall in love with the life, and heart, I have been given again.
But how do I get there?
Whether it be back to the pen or to the classroom, to the brushes or to the capital steps, all of it has to start with me getting back on my knees. Prayer is a passion within itself, and for me it holds all the desires of my heart in one place. Prayer is my passions source, purely because of who my prayers are addressed to.
A prayer for passion. A prayer for courage. A prayer for unyielding desire.
There is a tree outside my window with only one red leaf. One step closer, and it’s a start.
How do you find, and fight for, your passions? How do you get out of “summer” slumps?